How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
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