I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
