We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
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