Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
