my being single is dangerous.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
