I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
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