i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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