not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Randomize
