There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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