The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Randomize
