RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
