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i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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