i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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