Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
