worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
