i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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