took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Randomize
