I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
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