Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
