It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize