I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
