I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
