My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Randomize
