I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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