I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize