I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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