There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
