my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Randomize
