I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
