blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
Randomize
