fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
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