Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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