she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Randomize
