I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Randomize
