you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
