I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Randomize
