Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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