now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
