this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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