I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
