I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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