never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
