rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Randomize
