You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
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