So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Randomize
