i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
