i jhust puked up my retainher.
I wish my penis had an off switch
I want to have your abortion
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
