Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
She bit a glass in half.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
