You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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