I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
