It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
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