Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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