wakey wakey hands off snakey
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
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