I haven't been this sober since birth.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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