if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
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