I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
