I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
