Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize