i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Randomize
