someone get that fucking seahorse.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Randomize