Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
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