My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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