Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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