I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Randomize
