dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Randomize
