Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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