Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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