Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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