8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Randomize
