I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
