My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Randomize