I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Randomize
